Preface: You are not alone -- Do you have what it takes to become a teacher? : a quiz -- If people talked to other professionals the way they talk to teachers -- How I came to teach preschool -- Other vehicular styles of parenting -- All of your children are broken -- It's cooking day at preschool! -- A letter from your child's teacher, on winter holiday gifts -- Middle school parent-teacher conference night, in internet headlines -- How I imagined my teachers conversed about me when I was 13 -- Memo to parents and legal guardians : our updated schedule for spirit days at Mapledale Middle School -- How I came to teach high school -- The unspoken rules of the teachers' lounge -- An alphabet for the school at the end of Beach 112th -- Student essay checklist -- A conclusive ranking of the students at Hogwarts by order of how much i would enjoy teaching them -- Dear parents : we're going with Hamilton-centered curriculum this year! -- Somewhat more free -- Random school motto generator -- The other class -- A field guide to spotting bad teachers -- Paulie -- It's your 20-minute lunch period! -- To Stan, with love -- Field trip rules -- Our teachers reveal the holiday gifts they actually want -- I'm going to make it through the last faculty meeting of the year by "yes, and..."-ing it -- All part of a plan, maybe, or, how I came to be a professor -- If Bruce Springsteen wrote about adjuncts -- On adjuncting -- Classic college movies updated for the adjunct era -- A brief list of what students have called me -- On student evaluations -- My ideal student evaluation questionnaire -- Worst, weirdest, and best -- A short essay by a student who googled the professor instead of reading Jane Eyre -- Moral quandaries for professors -- I see you. -- An incomplete list of sources I have seen plagiarized -- I know you're asleep right now, but please get back to me ASAP -- Sports analogies for academics -- "Why did I get a B?" An answer in four fables -- Taught -- Everyone who attends must converse -- My last pieces of good advice for teachers -- How I imagine retirement from teaching will be at 72.